Archive for the ':: posts NOT by joz ::' Category

ProfessorEric’s Application to the “Win A Date with Joz to the Blogger Prom” Contest

I received this entry to the contest a couple of days ago, but am just now uploading it to the site. The contest closes tonight!
~~~
Dear Joz,

Since you mentioned trouble with your attention span I have completed your application with way less than 100 literal words per question.
However, since an image is worth a thousand, I may be disqualified.
Please look over my application and let me know if I make the top tier. It is in pdf form so I could not post it myself.

Thanks.

-professoreric

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Win a Date With Jozjozjoz! To The Blogger Prom!

i’m supposed to devise some sort of contest to decide who takes joz to the blogger prom. ummm, got any ideas?

and before you ask, no, joz hasn’t broken up with yoshi. joz and yoshi have been together for a really long time and joz has figured out that yoshi is much more pleasant when not forced to attend social functions with strangers. when the yoshi could be at home, watching baseball and drinking beer. yoshi is anti-social. joz is whatever you’d call the opposite of anti-social.

ANYWAY!

answer these questions: why do you want to go to blogger prom? why would anyone want to go to blogger prom? WTF is the blogger prom?* Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?

truly, this contest is going to be simple. tell me who you are, why you want to go (please, 100 words or less, joz’s attention span is rapidly declining thanks to twitter), and give me a new, creative, and inspiring tagline for jozjozjoz.com and you’re in–provided you pass a standard background check and pee in a cup.

entries must be submitted via comments to this post by 11:59 pm PST on friday, july 17, 2009

the winner will be notified by sometime saturday morning and given instructions on how to redeem their prize.

see? simple!

FINE PRINT: THIS PROMOTION IS OFFERED IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. THIS PROMOTION IS VOID OUTSIDE THE JURISDICTIONS LISTED ABOVE, AND WHEREVER PROHIBITED BY LAW. THIS PROMOTION SHALL BE CONSTRUED AND EVALUATED IN ACCORDANCE WITH ALL APPLICABLE LAWS AND REGULATIONS (THAT WE KNOW OF). THIS PROMOTION IS OPEN SOLELY TO PERSONS WHO ARE LEGAL RESIDENTS OF, AND CURRENTLY RESIDING IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. IN ORDER TO ENTER, RESIDENTS OF THE JURISDICTIONS LISTED ABOVE MUST BE 21 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER. ALL ENTRANTS MUST HAVE AN ACTIVE AND BEATING HEART AT TIME OF ENTRY. BY ENTERING, YOU REPRESENT THAT YOU HAVE READ THE “OFFICIAL” RULES AND ANY APPLICABLE WEB SITE POLICIES AND/OR TERMS OF USE, AND THAT YOU AGREE TO BE BOUND (!) BY ALL OF THEM. NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN (ALTHOUGH A BEER WOULDN’T HURT). A PURCHASE WILL NOT INCREASE AN ENTRANT’S CHANCES OF WINNING A PRIZE (WELL, IT MIGHT).

*the exclusive invite-only Blogger Prom 2009, which takes place at the Andaz Hotel July 22, 2009. Free cocktails, delicious food, sweet giveaways, a gorgeous venue and only bloggers in kitschy, cool, weird prom attire.

Film Review: Iron Man: A White-Hetero-Male Wet Dream

Last night my boyfriend and I had free tickets to see Iron Man. I was kind of excited to see it since I had heard great reviews, and had friends involved with the CG so I wanted to see their work. It was also wicked hot and we needed some AC. I had high-hopes that it might be politically less offensive then most other blockbuster Hollywood movies since I hadn’t really heard any criticism about the portrayals of minorities etc. Please note: this is a quick response to the film so sorry for the typos and bad grammar.

–Warning! If you plan on seeing this film I may accidentally reveal plot spoilers–
Continue reading ‘Film Review: Iron Man: A White-Hetero-Male Wet Dream’

i am king. i rule the world.

ok, so not really. but i think i did manage to fix joz’s computer. it seems to be running just fine now, although i’m no techie and have no idea what the hell i’m talking about.
theory #1: the fan attached to the power supply was overheating, causing the computer to shut itself down. that myth is busted. there appear to be 2 fans on the power supply, both work when the computer is powered up.

theory #2: the dust bunnies inside the case are multiplying at a rate faster than they are being destroyed, thereby causing clogging in the vents. while this myth is plausible, after pulling off the cover and carefully examining the insides, it was concluded that this computer may be dusty, but that’s not overly detrimental to the computer’s performance.

HOWEVER, taking off the cover did cause two metal strips with little hooks on the ends to fall to the bottom of the case and another fan to fall from whatever position it was in previously. that fan was now resting on the board for the monitor, causing an alarming bend in said board. removal of power supply and sliding around of drives called for in order to have a look at origin of dropped fan.

turns out that the fan is somehow attached to motherboard (??!?!–the giant green thing that runs on vertically on the side of the case. that’s the motherboard, right?) using those two metal strips. reattach fan to motherboard using strips to hold it in place, power up computer and voilà,the rally monkey returns!

so joz’s theory (for those of you keeping track, that’s theory #3) that the motherboard was fried was kind of true. and there could still be a serious issue with the computer, but for now it seems to be up and running…

1,001 Thank You’s

to our friendly neighborhood Sharky the Kid for steppin up to the plate and helping me paint today. such a relief to have some most of the things to do crossed off my list. joz called her last night to see if she could help out today and she was willing to get out of bed early on a sunday to prime and paint a kitchen and bathroom. whoo hoo!

so now all i gots left to do:

  • paint closets (inside and out)
  • sand, prime and paint doors
  • sand, prime and paint kitchen drawers
  • prime and paint bathroom cabinet
  • change outlets
  • change light switches
  • replace switch plates
  • change out door hardware
  • replace drawer/cabinet pulls
  • install shelf above kitchen sink

and i have a whole week to do it!

a new meaning for hair ball….

Cat Bowling

Enjoy!

Some Klansmen are named Earl…

Professoreric here: Disappeared again for a while, I am somewhere in Kansas again, I have found some entertainment in the local thrift and antique stores. Yesterday my friend found an entire series of old photos from a trip to Tijuana in the 40’s where a couple watched a woman bullfighter and then went into the street afterwards, put sombreros on, scowled, and tried to “look like the dirty Mexicans”. I thought this took the cake, until I saw the picture I bought. It is a suburban American scene. Nice large houses, trees, lawns, nice car, someone’s husband, and his large flag with a swastika on it. His name is Earl Tate and is if from 1941. So I own this photo now, and will scan it and give it to you Joz, to post if you wish, when I have access to a scanner. Until then we will just have to try and visualize/fantasize in our heads a time when a man, his home, his lawn, his car, and his klan flag still meant something. I can’t wait to return to LA were there is no bigotry….

I miss you Joz and pals…

I had to laugh out loud…

The drive into work this morning was just like any other morning. Traffic backed up at the west end of Fountain… on Holloway just before Sunset….and of course on Sunset.

As the traffic is creeping along at about 3mph – something caught my eye. Brightly colored objects on the ground up ahead….. Had aliens landed in the middle of the night?

As I got closer, I discovered the objects were pink, purple and bright green sleeping bags. In them, late teens, early 20’s girls – mostly blondes. I’m thinking…. What the heck? Will there be some parade? It’s not Johnny Depp’s star hands-and-feet in cement ceremony – that’s in the other direction and on Hollywood Blvd [and on Friday at 11am, not today]. Then I look up on the marquee of the world famous Roxy and it reads: Hanson

Who knew those little blonde boys (whose lead singer looked like a girl) were Ummm-bopping around these days? That group of 10-15 little girls in their brightly colored strawberry shortcake sleeping bags should have slept in their own little beds getting a good night sleep, instead they slept out on the sidewalk and will be super tired when their dreamboats take the stage tonight…. I’m just sayin’

Side Note to Self:

Dear Self,

Wake up earlier so you can hop in the car, drive over to Joz’s house and make her a buffet that she may partake in a well balanced and delicious breakfast.

It is not acceptable to allow your friends to not eat until 1pm, and solely snack on pork rinds. There are many other snacks besides pork rinds. For example, a million. And if Joz is seriously considering become an orthodox jew, she must abstain from all pork product.

Just 15 minutes for Joz’s food in the morning will save you the heartache of reading such post she puts up while hungry at her desk at work.

Love,
Myself
(aka professor eric)

P.S. Post more stuff on jozjozjoz so she doesn’t think you stopped loving her.

P.P.S. Post Post Script more and more and more. ‘cause it’s fun.

In a galaxy far far away….

All of your Star Wars fans LISTEN UP! Tune into the USA Network next Monday night, June 20th for the AFI Lifetime Achievement salute to George Lucas. It was a star studded evening with the original cast: Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, R2D2, C3PO, and Chewbaca, along with Warren Beatty, Annette Benning, William Shatner, Claire Danes, Robert Duval, Calista Flockhard, John Williams and others!

Now we all know how much Jozjozjoz likes to post photos of food, so I couldn’t help myself when I wandered by this seat:

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Yes, it’s George’s starter for dinner. What exactly is it? Caterer Wolfgang Puck created this “Pesky Toe Crab with avacado, edamame, in a lemon ginger vinagrette” Interesting to say the least…
Continue reading ‘In a galaxy far far away….’

¡Dia de los Snacks!

Today I am typing up a report at home, so I can eat all the snacks I want… here is the list, all consumed between the hours of 10AM to 4:30 PM:

Tea, 3 large pieces of bread, with butter and raspberry quince tea jam.

4 pieces of Italian marzipan (about 4 months old).

2 packages (two crackers in each), sweet and salty rice crackers.

About 10-12 caramel filled Hershey’s kisses.

A large bowl of linguini with olive oil, salt and pepper, parmesan, and whatever veggies were in the fridge.

A grapefruit.

Two handfuls of dried cranberries.

More tea with milk and sugar this time.

A bag of microwaved popcorn. (literally the whole bag. Maybe minus about 20 un popped kernels.)

Some wine (it was already open).

Some more tea. And some more cranberries. Something I thought was a cranberry I dropped but turned out to be colorful lint. Some peanuts I found in a bag in my room while procrastinating the writing and moving onto some cleaning.

I read a cook book too. Does that count for something?

I think that is it now… but it is almost time for dinner. Someone stop me! I am going to end up like Kirsty Alley, minus a career on the comeback (loved her in Troop Beverly Hills!). I love snacks… yum. -professoreric

Nonesense

Eggplant, pinecone, paperclip, magenta, opulent…. sincerely, professoreric.

Tornado

On the beach I saw a water spout. It pulled down from the sky like taffy dripping from a table of clouds on a hot day. It was cool. I am working on the beach for the week, our offices temporarily moved into trailers here for a show, and it comes to my thoughts that when tornadoes land there favorite diet is 95% trailer. Hmmm… this may be my last post. Anyways, it was beautiful. Just wanted to share. -professoreric

2005 Early Best Simple Blog Award

Congratulations to Miss Brookline, a sometimes contributor and commentor to jozjozjoz, for winning the 2005 Early Best Simple Blog Award! This award is given to a simple blog that proves to be outstanding in writing quality, wit, and nepotism. Some things we like about it: the bus reports, the simplicity of the site, and how it is scratch n’ sniff. here is the link to check it out: http://www.fogcitynotes.blogspot.com/

Help me with Jukebox Research!

I am writing a little essay and I need some help. I need you to tell me about your favorite jukebox and the establishment that houses it. Why is it so great? What makes a good jukebox? What makes a bad one? What is the worst jukebox you know of and why is it so bad? What’s best: record, cd, internet type jukebox? What are signs of a pretentious jukebox? Know any interesting history or stories you could share with me regarding… jukeboxes? Thanks for your help. I can’t wait to hear what you guys come up with. Feel free to send this around if you think it might have some relevance to someone else. Thanks. -professoreric

p.s. missbrookline, please hold off on responding to this. i know you know where i am going with this and i am curious to hear peoples responses first.

Run Your Car off of Used Vegetable Oil!

Run Your Car off of Used Vegetable!

For real! Shameless family plug time� So, yes, I disappeared for a bit. I was doing another retched film festival. But I am back, and my cousin David is in town doing a lecture on converting your car to guzzle french-fry oil instead of evil fossil fuel� Below Please find the flyer. Below that look for more of my ramblings� If you think of anywhere appropriate to repost this please do so�
Continue reading ‘Run Your Car off of Used Vegetable Oil!’

Dear Joz…

Joz!- I am back from the Palm Desert now! I will call you in a few hours and talk your ear off. I have missed you more then the desert misses the rain. No wait let me recant that. There was plenty of rain in the desert when I was there, and let me tell you the desert was not too happy about it. There were floods. Like the flood of despair that has filled my heart with the absence of you in my life. There we go, an apt analogy. There we go. I love you honey child. And I miss all of the blogger friends. I am back now. Hooray! -professoreric

Another Open Letter to Jozjozjoz form Professoreric:

Where are you? Look it is 1:00 and our baby boy, Mo Chin, is crying again, and once again i will tell you that i can not do the single dad thing while you are gallivanting around the city with your beer buddies, ogling some poor past her prime dancer at jumbos clown room. I mean we are out of formula, and rubber nipples for his bottle, and you have the freaking car so i can’t even load the kid up and go to the 24 hour Walgreen’s and take care of the business you were supposed to take care of. Baby, seriously… Hey! Look at me when i am talking with you!… was it something i said? is there someone else? What’s going on here? things were going so well. Ok i have to come clean about something, and maybe you figured this out and maybe that’s why you haven’t been coming home much lately… ok here goes, I’m gay. Ok i know this may come as a shocker, but it’s true. And to make matters worse, i am also a vegetarian. see, i have been feeding you gay soy turkey and tofu beef. At first i just added a bit, but you didn’t seem to notice the difference. so i just kept doing it. you know. i am sorry if you feel lied to, or betrayed. but i honestly think if you calm down and stop throwing things we can talk rationally about this. Baby please, i just got the baby to sleep and if you throw this lamp you will wake him up, and we didn’t fly to china go to that orphanage and refuse all of those abandoned squinting baby girls for our perfect little baby boy (an abandoned halfie left behind by some American GI) just so you could keep him up all night with your anger issues. I read this article in the advocate about domestic violence, and they say there are some places you can go for that to get some help… Ok, well now you need to go get me some ice so this bruise wont swell up too much.. look we can work this out… So what else have you been up to?
Continue reading ‘Another Open Letter to Jozjozjoz form Professoreric:’

Open Letter to Professoreric

Dear Professoreric,

We miss you so much. Especially in these unfortunate times. Where are you where have you gone? We need you like we need: air, water, food, TiVo, candy, and/or rice… What I am saying is, it is a sad day when I cannot log onto www.jozjozjoz.com and find pleasant rantings about how disappointed you are with the gay community, or how you hate the state of healthcare in America, or how you almost got eaten by a shark. Do you get what I am saying we need you. Don’t you all agree? What have been up to that you have disappeared from our lives? Are you pregnant? Are you trying to get pregnant? Are you still eating snacks in the corner? And we need more post-it note art! It was promised. Ok…. I will try and calm down a bit. But please let me and the rest of our faithful readers know. We deserve it. And we miss you… right? Right.

Sitting here crying,
Sincerely,
The President of the Professoreric Fanclub

Spoiled

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I just spent the evening
With JOz, unlike you!

Haha… long live the Joz international Film Festival.

-professoreric

There’s a spaceship in front of my house….

When I went downstairs to go out of my gate to my car this morning this was sitting in front of my house

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Please note the incredible realistic image on the driver’s head rest
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Somewhere the aliens are roaming free in Los Angeles…… call 911 if you see them!

Your opinion please….

Every day on the way home I drive past this billboard – in fact I wait at a light that takes at least 3 – 5 minutes to change and this is my view….
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What do you think?

Ghost of a day…

My morning was dragging, and my shirt inside out when I decided to walk three miles to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for some reflection. It only took me about thirty minutes and the walk was interesting enough that it didn’t drag. I walked over the freeway and traffic was moving nicely, and I thought about how easy it would be to hop onto a slow moving truck and let it take me wherever it was going. But then I remembered that it would most likely take me somewhere in the valley way hotter then here, maybe Sylmar, so I kept walking. The cemetery was quiet and I walked around looking at various people’s expressions of what their loved ones had meant to them, reading epitaphs both generic and very personal. I walked on grave sites and through mausoleums and sat quietly at memorials. I spotted two kids making out behind Cecile B. DeMille. I saw a family adding toys and flowers to a little girls grave. I saw a man sitting by his late mother thinking. I walked on grass and on gravel paths and sidewalks and mud. I watch men in uniform shoot into the air to mourn a fallen friend. I saw the withering impatiens by the gift shop and the roses and tulip just placed in vases on various plots. As I left a woman in a vibrant blue dress looked toward the sky and wiped the sweat and tears from her face and then, while Taps played on nearby trumpets, she disappear behind the willows. On my way back home the traffic on the 101 was at a stand still and hopping on a truck’s roof would have been really easy, but pointless since they were stagnant. I bought some bread at the Armenian bakery for a buck and when in my house made a peanut butter and fluff sandwich and ate it while petting the cat and watching bad T.V. for a few before buckling down for some work. Today seems a little bit heavy, I am not sure why, it is good though. And my shirt is still inside out, and I am totally ok with that. -professoreric

My big ones for your little ones….

Yes, I have large breasts. Not excessively huge, but big, nonetheless. “A fine rack,” you may say. “Big hooters.” “Baywatch material.” “Nicely stacked.” “Melons.” “Lovely grapefruits.” Or my favorite, “TORPEDOES!” Feh.

The fact is, I hate them. Loathe and detest. Despise. I want them off my body and gone! Not only do they give me backaches, but I can’t sleep on my stomach. I find it hard to kiss my partner, as there’s always this “mass” between us. Sex is a bitch. I can no longer jog. I’m afraid that when I run, they’ll bounce so much that I’ll end up with two black eyes! I have a hard time buttoning shirts, since those two buttons at chest-level are stretched tight and constantly break off and the rest are loose. I often find leftovers lingering there. And odd things, like leaves and Post-It notes.

Yeah, you’re probably laughing at this point, but it’s really NOT FUNNY! (Well, not unless you laugh at the fact that I actually have a T-shirt that my left nipple has *rubbed a hole in* — not unlike the way guys pumice their jeans to make their dick look bigger and burlier, like it actually wore through their trousers and is about to chase you down the street). I’m not talking a white, faded spot, though; I’m talking an *actual* HOLE in my T-shirt! You know, so my nipple can look out and see the world (and perhaps chase you down the street), thus mocking me even more.)

Guys, how would you like to have balls so big that you couldn’t lay on your stomach or see your shoes when standing? Or jog? Or hug someone without them jutting into the other person, forcing you to lean over or else stand several inches away. Wait, stupid question, why did I ask? Forget I said that.

Girls with small(er) breasts, you don’t know how lucky you are! Why in the hell would you want to *increase* the size of them?!? Especially with some gelatinous unknown substance in a plastic baggie, blech! Wait, stupid question. Forget I said that. But that’s the reason I’m here!

I want to trade my large breasts for your smaller ones! Mine are pasty white, and I don’t really care what color yours are, as long as they’re comfortable and I can sleep face-down… and play sports again. No reasonable offer refused.

Professor’s NE Tour: part II

Second time in the Seattle Library before we leave to go camping on Mt. Reinier tonight. I forgot to mention yesterday the wonderful stay with my lovely sister MissBrookline. She loved our company, but I am sure was happy we left. We are indeed a handful if not a bushel.

As you were underground, we were underground too Joz. We went to the underground tour of Seattle, which was so wicked cool. Basically due to a fire and tons of sewage problems they just filled in downtown on top of old buildings and rebuilt above it at the beginning of the last century. (dates not shown to scale). Anyone in Seattle must do this! We went into some of the old buildings and walked underneath the sidewalk on the old sidewalks just feet below.

Last night we ate amazing falafel, and decided that after our night wanderings we would return to this place and get beers and Hookah. As promised we killed three beers each and smoked two large hookahs to death. It was very late when we finally decided to search for a place to stay, eventually finding the suburban Seattle’s equivalent to the Bates Hotel from Psycho. Actually it was sleazier then that, it was more like the Master Bates Hotel… Sorry, but it’s kinda true.

Oh there will be pictures from this trip. There will be tons of them. Any requests? What do you all want to see from my trip? I will do my best to provide them at a later date.

Back soon.-professoreric

p.s. As a wise man once said, “Ottawa’s the place to stay, get you body on the floor tonight!”




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