Archive for the 'joz = weirdo magnet' Category

The obligatory blog post about the crazy woman I called the cops on.

If you follow me on Twitter, you might have noticed a bunch of rapid tweets around noon on Friday about my run-in with a crazy old woman which resulted in me calling the cops.

The story really began around 11am, as I was walking my Mom out to her car, which was parked in a guest parking space behind the building. My Mom and I were discussing our weekend plans and decided to walk to the front of the building to take a look at one of our fruit trees which is starting to bloom. (Yay, Spring!) We were taking pictures of the flowering tree while chatting.

As we were standing in front of the building, we saw an old Asian woman pushing a shopping cart full of plastic bottles down the sidewalk. She was clearly looking for stuff to recycle. Fridays are garbage days in the neighborhood, so our trash and recycle bins were lined up on the street in the front of the building, just like everyone else’s. But she didn’t look in anyone’s garbage bins on our block and instead pushed her cart directly to our property and up our driveway.

My Mom saw this and looked at me with the “Who is this?” expression and I shrugged. Mom started following the old woman up our driveway calling out “Where are you going?” in Mandarin. (Note: Chinese will be in italics)

The woman either didn’t hear, didn’t understand, or chose to ignore my Mom because she kept pushing her cart up the driveway toward the area where we usually keep the trash bins.

My Mom chased after and got a little closer and a little louder. I followed her but kept my mouth shut. This time the woman definitely heard Mom and turned around, waving her arms, babbling unintelligibly and pointing toward some (empty) trash bins in back. I didn’t understand what she was saying– it sounded like Chinese but I figured her accent was hard for me to decipher. But from the body language and the context of the whole scenario, we both knew what was she was trying to tell us– she wanted to go through the trash.

My Mom said, “The trash is all outside in front; those bins are empty. There is nothing there.”

The woman seemed to understand for a moment, but then decided to keep going.

Mom repeated very nicely, “There is nothing there. You can go somewhere else now.” But then the woman started waving her arms at us like “Go away” or “Leave me alone” while babbling at us unintelligibly. Then my Mom said, “I don’t understand you!” and turned to me to say that the woman was from China and she wasn’t speaking any of the dialects my Mom knew.

The woman took this opportunity to begin emptying her cart of plastic bottles, bags and other miscellaneous items on to the driveway, so my Mom started to get upset. Even if the woman was going to try to take trash out of our bins, there was no reason for her to throw her stuff all over the place and make a mess in the middle of our driveway.

That’s when things began to escalate. Mom starts repeating herself “Move your stuff, I am trying to leave and I need to drive here,” while gesturing to her car and pointing down the driveway.

I understood enough of what was coming out of her mouth that she was saying “don’t bother me” or “don’t tell me what to do.” The old woman was still babbling loudly but now clearly, “I am not in the way! Drive around!” and stopped making a mess long enough to shake her head and gesture “Go around.”

My Mom kept saying “I can’t drive around. There is only one driveway, please pick up your things and move your cart.” My Mom was starting to raise her voice, but she was still being overly polite and trying to reason with a crazy woman.

But the woman started getting louder and meaner at my Mom, acting like she could tell us what to do on our own property. She was trying to shoo US away! She kept pointing at my Mom’s car and and gesturing like Mom should somehow be able to shrink the car to fit down the driveway even though a crazy woman, her shopping cart, and a bunch of garbage was all in the way.

My Mom was going to be late to her appointment to meet her sister, so I told her to get in the car and I tried my luck with the old woman. As my Mom was getting in the car, I just nicely (but firmly) repeated everything Mom had already said. If the woman wasn’t going to pay attention to my Mom, she certainly wasn’t going to listen to me.

She ignored what I was saying and headed toward our neighbor’s garbage area and picked up some glass beer bottles that were sitting in a small box. She set down the glass bottles in the driveway to get in my face and scream at me in Chinese. She seemed really mad that I was in her business. She had her recycling now, but I couldn’t figure out why she had to make a mess everywhere.

I was getting really pissed because my Mom had backed out of the parking spot and waiting for the driveway to clear and I was getting screamed at by a mean old Chinese woman who was trespassing on my property and making a fucking mess with her garbage all over my driveway.

The whole time this was going on the woman was yelling and screaming and not listening even though she could understand us, so I just started screaming back at her in Chinese. “GO AWAY! MOVE YOUR STUFF! LEAVE NOW! DON’T COME BACK!” I pointed down the driveway.

Well the woman understood enough to start screaming back at me very clearly, “YOU LEAVE! I AM NOT LEAVING!” and she started pointing at me and pointing down the driveway.

I screamed at her, “I LIVE HERE! YOU DO NOT! GO AWAY! I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU DON’T LEAVE RIGHT NOW!”

She kept screaming “YOU LEAVE! YOU LEAVE! YOU LEAVE!” and she kept pointing at me to go down the driveway.

My Mom was in the car and started honking her horn. She rolled down the window and screamed, “GET OUT OF THE WAY!”

I stood my ground and put my hands on my hips. “I AM TELLING YOU ONCE MORE! LEAVE!” The woman took a step toward me and put her hands on HER hips, mocking me and giving me a defiant look. “I AM NOT LEAVING! YOU LEAVE!” she screamed at me. My Mom kept honking her horn and screaming from the car, “GET YOUR STUFF OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF HERE!”

Behind her, I saw a (non-Asian) neighbor walking on his driveway two doors down. He was watching us as he was walking to his front door, shaking his head, but staring intently at the commotion.

My Mom kept honking her horn. And I screamed again, “LEAVE RIGHT NOW OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE!”

She looked at me and scoffed as if to say that she didn’t believe I would and she started heading back toward her shopping cart. She reached in and pulled out the broomstick she uses to poke around in the trash and she held it high above her head and screamed, “I WILL HIT YOU!”

I screamed back at her “GO AHEAD AND HIT ME!”

My Mom saw the woman wielding the broomstick and started honking some more. If don’t know how it’s possible, but I think she got that car horn to honk even louder.

“I WILL HIT YOU! AND I WILL NOT LEAVE!” screamed the woman as she started to swing the broomstick at me. I stood my ground.

Mom’s hands were down on the horn.

“GO AHEAD!” I yelled. “HIT ME SO THE COPS WILL THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR THAT WHEN THEY GET HERE. YOU BETTER LEAVE NOW BECAUSE I AM CALLING!”

I picked up my cell phone and started dialing. She realized that I was serious because she stopped swinging the broomstick and put it back into her cart.

I called GOOG-411 because I wanted her to hear exactly who I was getting connected to. I got through to the police department and asked the dispatcher to send a car to my property because a trespasser was on site, threatening to hit me with a broomstick, and refusing to leave.

The woman was screaming insults at me in Chinese but realized I wasn’t bluffing and was really calling the cops. Mom had stopped honking when the broomstick came down and she saw me dialing my phone. I stopped giving my report to the police long enough to scream at her, “I AM ON THE PHONE WITH THE POLICE. YOU WANT TO BE HERE WHEN THEY GET HERE? TAKE YOUR THINGS AND LEAVE!” The woman started grabbing her garbage and throwing it back in her cart, all the while screaming at me in Chinese. She kept screaming at me and waved a glass bottle in my direction. I gave her a look and she dropped it while trying to throw it and it shattered all over my driveway. Her aim with the glass bottles was worse than that with her broomstick.

“PICK IT UP! DON’T LEAVE YOUR TRASH HERE!” I yelled between the English answers I was giving to the dispatcher on the phone.

I hung up with the dispatcher after a quick report and saw that she was trying to pick up the pieces of broken glass from the driveway and had cut her right thumb deeply on the glass. She was bleeding everywhere and waving her thumb at me as if I was supposed to feel sympathy for her.

“I DON’T CARE! GET YOUR STUFF OUT OF THE WAY! GO NOW! THE COPS ARE COMING! LEAVE NOW! DON’T COME BACK!”

Most of the stuff was in the cart now and the last big pieces of glass had been picked up. My Mom inched down the driveway in her car, herding us out toward the street.

The woman was trying to hold her bleeding thumb and push the cart out at the same time. She continued screaming at me and only stopped when she put her thumb in her mouth to suck away the blood.

“GO AWAY AND DO NOT COME BACK HERE!” I screamed at her. She kept pushing her cart down the driveway with Mom following in the car behind us. I kept screaming, “DO NOT COME BACK HERE! I WILL CALL THE COPS IF I EVER SEE YOU ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN! DO NOT TOUCH MY TRASH AGAIN! DO NOT COME HERE!”

We got to the end of the driveway and she stopped the cart to show me her thumb, which was now bright purple from the blood oozing out from the cut.

What did she expect? For me to offer her a Band-Aid?! “YOU ARE STILL IN THE WAY!” No sympathy from me. “GET OUT OF HERE! DO NOT COME HERE AGAIN!”

She finally started pushing her cart away from our driveway. She was still screaming at me, but her voice was drifting further and further away as she walked away with her cart, broomstick, plastic bottles, and shattered glass bottles. Mom pulled up and blocked her from getting back in the driveway just in case she was dumb or crazy enough to turn around.

My Mom rolled down the passenger side window. “Are you okay? She scared me when I thought she was going to hit you.” I told her I was fine and I could see a patrolcar coming down the street.

A young lady had been walking down the block and was watching the tail-end of the scene in horror. She kept walking after the crazy woman left.

The cop pulled up and rolled down his window and wanted to know where the woman was. I saw the unattended shopping cart 3 buildings down. I couldn’t see her. I guess she tried to get a bandage for her thumb. The policeman asked if I was ok and I said I was fine but that the woman wouldn’t leave until I called the cops– I was sorry to bother them about a call like this. He said that he was going to ticket her based on what I told him.

From the other direction, a second patrolcar swung by. The old woman was now back at her cart, looking in my direction. She saw the two policecars in the street and me leaning into the window of one of them. She stood there and stared at us in disbelief and panic.

My guess is that this woman goes around and takes trash out people’s bins all the time and no one ever bothers her about it. Frankly, if she had been digging through the bins in the front of the building, I would have been annoyed, but I wouldn’t have stopped her from doing it. Even though I’m sure it never happens, people can still get ticketed for going through the trash. But it’s certainly not the sort of thing I would have called the cops about. Then again, digging through the trash bins on the street is not the same as trespassing or threatening to hit someone with a broomstick. Once she was on my property, making a mess and getting belligerent with my Mom, what was I supposed to do?

Both cops pulled over with flashing lights and tried to talk to the old woman. For as little Mandarin the woman knew, I’m guessing she knew even less English. She kept waving her arms around and screaming at them. I really felt bad for the cops at that moment. Cops have to deal with the craziest things and people. My Mom left when she saw that the police were there and that everything was calming down. The neighbor who saw everything happen was now pulling out of his driveway and saw the cops on the street next door to his place. He looked over at me and waved. I ran over to his car and apologized for the ruckus and all the screaming and he said, “My mother was watching from inside and she couldn’t believe that woman tried to hit you with that big stick!” I told him I was sorry to make a commotion back there and he said, “No, it’s ok. I saw what was going on and you had no choice.” He left and I walked back in front of my building and called Yoshi. No answer.

The young woman who had walked by earlier was now coming back. I think she lives on the other end of the block. She saw the police and flashing lights and ran up to me and asked, “WHAT HAPPEN?” I started explaining in Chinese and she said, “I Vietnamese. Not Chinese. Only a little bit English.”

So tried to slow down and said the woman was throwing trash and said she was going to hit me. Her eyes widened. “Did she hit???” I said, “No, but she tried.” The woman shook her head in disbelief. I apologized to her for scaring her.

After 20 minutes, one of the cops walked up to me and asked “What do you want us to do? We can take her to jail. Is that what you want?”

For a split second, I was very tempted to say “yes.” I was still angry and the adrenaline was still flowing. But I said, “No, I just don’t want her on my property.”

He asked, “Did you tell her that?”

I said, “Yes, and then I screamed it at her when she wouldn’t leave.”

He asked me why she was bleeding and I said, “She cut her hand on broken glass after she tried to throw a beer bottle at me.”

And he said, “Ok. Well, if she comes again, we will take her to jail.”

I thanked him for his help and said that I hoped it wouldn’t come to that. I went back inside after that.

The best part of the story actually happened near the end when the old woman was already starting to leave and my Mom was inching down the driveway behind us when Mom started screaming from her car “TAKE HER PICTURE! POST IT ONLINE!” I had forgotten that my camera had been hanging from my wrist the whole time. Now that Mom understands the power of a good photo + internet (thank you, Racist Camera— the picture that keeps on giving), she wanted to publicly shame the woman, too! My Mom rules.

As great of an idea as that was, I didn’t feel like getting the woman angrier at me by trying to stick a camera in her face. I imagine she probably would have tried whack my camera with that damn broomstick if she’d seen me taking her photo. Later on, I did end up taking a few pictures (from far away) when the cops were talking to the old woman, but rather than posting those photos, I think I’ll harness the power of the intarwebs for good– instead of for public shaming.

This time, anyway.

Joz’s Fortune from a fortune cookie

I can’t remember where I got this, but I kept it because I thought it was funny.

You have an unusual magnetic personality.

2 4 6 19 21 16

How’d it know about my freak magnet?

Two quick stories.

It’s 5am and I am supposed to be done with my paper that is due at 6pm tonight. Let’s just say that I’m not done yet, but if I really focus, I should be able to complete it before I have to leave for work 7:45 today.

So clearly I shouldn’t be blogging.

But then again, I should have gotten more than an hour and a half of sleep last night, too. Since when do I pay attention to what I should or shouldn’t do, anyway?! (To be fair, I woke up on my own and couldn’t go back to sleep even though I allowed myself a longer nap than that.)

Oh well. I promised two quick stories.

STORY #1 (This story is for my personality twin Meeta, who probably has 10 similiar stories she could share)

This happened on Tuesday afternoon, around lunchtime.

Despite having packed leftover Thai food for lunch for Tuesday, I was my usual dorky self and left my lunch at home by the front door instead of taking it with me. (I blame it on being late to my doctor’s appointment, which was also my fault.)

Anyway, by lunchtime, I wasn’t that hungry but I was regretting not having anything to put in my mouth. I hadn’t planned on taking lunch, so I just wanted to go get something quick and come right back. I figured my best chance of not getting into any trouble was to jump in the car, find the nearest drive-thru, grab some grub, and get back to my work ASAP.

The nearest drive-thru I could find was a Jack in the Crack and so I turned into the (tiny) driveway and was met by a line of cars that wrapped around into the (tiny) parking lot. As I looked in my mirror to see if I could back up and make an escape, a car pulled in behind me and I was trapped. The parking lot was so small, there was really room for one lane of cars, so all the people parking in the lot were now trapped, too.

“Oh well, hopefully the line moves quickly,” I thought to myself.

At that moment, this tall, slender man wearing sunglasses and a business casual outfit walked out of the restaurant. He was heading toward the parking lot (which I was now effectively blocking completely) and then he walked toward my car and motioned for me to roll down my window. I assumed he was going to tell me which car was his so I could move out of the way a little.

Instead, he asked for my number.

Whaaaaaaaaa?! I’M SITTING IN LINE AT THE DRIVE-THRU AT JITB AND A GUY IS HITTING ON ME?! WTF!

I’ll admit, the guy was kind of cute, but I did not expect him to ask for my number.

“Sorry,” I sputtered. “I’m married.” (So it’s not technically true, but it might as well be and really, isn’t that the most compassionate lie I could have told him?)

“Oh,” he replied. He was going to say something else, but I cut him off. “Thanks for asking though, that’s quite flattering, but sorry…”

“It’s ok,” he smiled at me. “You’re blocking me in, by the way.”

I looked over at the direction of his car and I played innocent, “Oh? Sorry about that! I’ll get out of the way as soon as the cars ahead of me move.” And then the gods finally shined some luck down on me and the cars started moving. I started rolling up my window and he said, “Bye. See you around.”

“No, I won’t!” I thought, as I pretended to focus on driving my car forward 5 feet. I saw him pull out of his spot and try to squeeze his car past mine. As he passed me, he waved at me again and I just kind of nodded at him and looked away.

At least he wasn’t a creep and he was generally nice about it all, but when I told Yoshi about it and how I ABSOLUTELY WAS MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS and not trying to attract any kind of attention to myself, Yoshi just kind of laughed at me… because strangers are constantly coming up and talking to me (usually not hitting on me), and I am always swearing that I didn’t do anything to egg it on.

The joke is that I’m somehow “receptive” to strangers, but many people have witnessed this happening and I REALLY AM NOT BEHAVING AS IF I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS.

The consensus is that I’m just a “freak magnet.” And I since I can’t explain it, I can’t really dispute it.

Lesson learned: No more fast food. (Do you remember the time I went through the drive-thru at Taco Bell?!)

STORY #2:
I could tell a much more colorful story about my dinner with EB and how we walked down to the local pizza joint last night and ordered a giant 18″ pizza and how we are plotting our next weekend trip + my graduation party, etc.

But instead I’m going to gyp you on the second story and give you a condensed version so I can get back to my paper.

The upshot: I walked out of my house without my keys and we found ourselves locked out. (Ok, technically, *I* locked us both out, but it sounded better the other way.)

By the time we got back to my house after dinner, EB had most of a giant 18″ pizza in one arm, a bag of candy and other stuff from Rite-Aid in the other arm, and I was sitting on the steps by the front door, desperately emptying out my purse in search of my keys.

Lucky for us, Yoshi happened to come home moments after I began purging the contents of my purse on to the doorstep. EB hollered out to Yoshi to come help us and open the door and Yoshi took one look at us and said, “Y’all are out of luck. I’m going in through the backdoor.”

Yoshi did not realize I really didn’t have my keys since it would have been a good assumption that we would have had to drive to go out to dinner. (We DO live in LA, after all…)

“How is it possible that you lost your keys between the car and the front door?” asked Yoshi.

“We didn’t drive!!! We walked!!!” I whined.

Then EB started in on me because before we left the house I had convinced him that the pizza joint was only two blocks away, when it was really 2 blocks one way + almost 3 really, really long blocks the other way. “See? If we had driven instead of walking that whole long way, we would not have this problem,” he pointed out.

Great. As if having Yoshi to tease me wasn’t enough. Now I’ve got EB and his giant pizza giving me grief, too. And he threatened to punish me by eating the candy he’d bought for me at Rite-Aid. (I pointed out to him that he’s allergic to some of it.)

Finally Yoshi relented and walked toward us to open the front door (and so I could put everything back inside my purse again).

And yes, my keys were sitting right by the front door.

Where I had left my Thai food the day before.

Perfect, no?

I’m (temporarily) deaf. But I think I’m (permanently) old.

(The text below may seem disjointed because it came from some IMs I just exchanged with Bossdude.)

I just got home from the Mika concert at the Wiltern. Since Yoshi refused to go with me, I convinced our friend LS to come with. Yoshi did play chauffeur, though (thanks, Hunny!)

I felt old. The place was filled with 13 year old girls in skimpy outfits. And then there were a whole bunch of gay guys. Weird crowd.

But fun fun show.

We had “floor” tickets which are like right up front and general admission (no seats! Scary!)

And we were about to go inside and these two little girls were like, “Does anyone want to sit?”

And me and my friend were like, “SEATS!?? WE’RE WE WANT SEATS!”

And the girls were sooo happy!

They were like “OMG! OMG! Really? OMG!”

So cute!

Then we got up to the seats and there were already 3 people sitting there. And this guy was sitting there with two littler boys and he goes “So my daughter convinced you to trade tickets, huh?”

I was like “Yeah.” (pointing at the screaming craziness that was the floor)

“I’m old now and all that down there does not look like fun to me anymore.”

Yes, I’m old now.

Well, I’m not 13 anymore, anyway. That’s for damn sure. I also don’t dress like a 13 year old it seems.

There were some really inappropriate outfits there tonight

I was like “Really? Who let you out the door wearing that?”

And since I’m old, I officially have to go to bed now

I can’t stay up late after doing stuff like this

Glad the concert was close by (at the Wiltern) and not some place gawdawfully far like Glen Helen Pavilion!

Thanks again to LS for going with me and to Yoshi for driving us & picking us up!

And thanks to Mika and the band for putting on such a great show!

I should be mad, but I’m not.

I had a long and exhausting day yesterday and since I had been up since 5am, I was pooped.

Yoshi and I went to bed a little after 9pm… so early! I was in the middle of deep slumber when my phone started ringing loudly; the ringtone set to one of the most obnoxious ones I have.

It 12:30am and my friend EB was texting me: Let’s go out! Want to drive to Mexico?

Mexico? WTF?!?!

I was planning on just ignoring him but that ringtone really startled me and though I was still tired, my heart was beating quickly and I had to get out of bed.

I ended up calling him back to ask him what he was up to but that since I have to work tomorrow, Mexico wasn’t an option. (Yes, it was a real offer, not a “Ha ha! Let’s talk about going to Mexico but not really go” sort of thing. He means it when he says stuff like “Let’s fly to ____ RIGHT NOW!!!!”) He threw out the idea of going to a casino together, but I told him that I wasn’t planning on gambling so I’d go just to watch him play. And he’s like “That’s boring for you. Besides I might play for like 24 hours straight and then that would be really dull for you.” So we decided not to get together tonight and maybe meet up for a movie tomorrow night after I’m done with work.

Normally, a 12:30am text message from him would not bother me… he’s one of those friends who can call (literally) anytime night or day. And there was no way for him to know that I was actually sleeping when he texted me. But it’s now 4:30 and I have watched TV, chatted online, had a snack, and learned that I have no idea how to use my new cell phone, and I’m still not sleeping.

I’m going to get back into bed with Yoshi now and hope that I can get some shuteye before I have to get to work tomorrow.

Yes, I do have a lot of that. (But no comment on the other thing.)

So I was awakened not too long ago by my Mom’s friend RH (indeed, a really close family friend), who is helping us with a few things. When we talk it’s usually a frenetic conversation in Chinglish– both Chinese and English– depending on the topic.

When we were done talking shop, she asked me how I was doing because I haven’t seen her for a while and she mentioned that she saw a recent picture of me and noticed that I had gained some weight since I last saw her. (Ahhh, there’s nothing like the blunt, tactless commentary that you’ll get from a close Taiwanese/Chinese lady friend. If it wasn’t absolutely true and obvious, I probably would have been pretty mad. Besides, it “comes from a good place,” just like it does when my Mom says similar things. Although after all these years of carping about my weight, my Mom has finally stopped with the fat comments.)

The last time RH and I spent any time together was when my father was in the hospital. It has been about a year and a half since that time and I am not proud to say that I’ve gained something like 30 lbs since then.

I blame it on a combination of not eating right (my fault), not exercising (my fault) and possibly a bit of the way my body is (always had trouble with weight regulation, not my fault, but this is probably the factor I have the least control over and that I blame the least for my weight gain).

In the last two years, I have been working a full-time job + going to school full-time + lost my Dad and taken on a lot of family responsibility + learning how to deal with the grief of losing such a close loved one. Oh yeah, I don’t get a heck of a lot of sleep, either.

The first two things alone (work + school) was enough to derail me a little bit from a relatively decent (not-quite-healthy-but-not-so-bad lifestyle), but the combination of all those things above really put me in a tailspin. I have been running around for a long time, not thinking about what I am putting into my body, not doing too much exercise, and definitely not sleeping enough to give myself the rest I so desperately need all the time.

Ok, all that said, what does the title of my post mean?

So RH was asking me why I had gained so much weight so quickly. She was concerned about health issues, like did I have some sort of weird immunological disease or something. I told her I didn’t think so and just said that I wasn’t really taking care of myself or exercising, etc. She asked me a bunch more questions (Had I been to the doctor? What did they say? etc) and I answered them half-heartedly.

Then she asked me something that got my attention.

RH: “DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF SEX?” (in English)

“WHAT?!” I asked in Chinese, really shocked by the mention of the subject. (I do NOT talk to my Mom about such things, so I am not going to go talking to her close friend about stuff like this. As far as my Mom likes to believe, I don’t even know what sex is and I’m not planning on changing that perception for a while!)

RH: “I said, ‘Do you have a lot of sex?'” (she repeated in English)

Joz: …

I sat there dumbfounded in silence, which is pretty damn unusual for me. What the hell is she bringing this up for?! What the hell am I going to say?! How do I change the topic!?!?! Arrrrgh! So embarrassing!

Since I didn’t answer for a bit (maybe like 10 seconds, which is an eternity, especially for a blabbermouth like me), she asked the question again:

RH: “Did you hear what I asked?” (in Chinese)
RH: “Do you have a lot of PRESSURE on you?” (in English.)

Joz: “Pressure?” (in English)

RH: “Yes, pressure. STRESS. Do you have a lot of STRESS?” (in English)

OMG! She was asking me about STRESS, not SEX! Thank god!

Joz: “Pressure? Oh yeah, I have lots of that. You know that.”

RH: “You shouldn’t worry so much, try to relax and not to take on so much pressure. It’s not good for your body.” (in Chinese)

Joz: “Yeah, I know.” (Joz changes the subject quickly)

So to recap…

Yes, I do have a lot of that. STRESS

(But no comment on the other thing.) SEX

Oh gawd I love these Chinglish conversations.

PS – The last few days excepted, I have been eating better and have dropped 8-10 lbs since the beginning of the year. I’m working on it. Really, I am.

Actual email received today…

… from a car detailing vendor that I used to use.

My edits are in italics, but the emphasis (no change) is in bold.

Dear xxxxx,

PLEASE UPDATE YOUR RECORDS

SEND ALL PAYMENTS TO:

NAME OF COMPANY
PO BOX xxxxx
BEVERLY HILLS, CA 902xx

SORRY FOR THE INCONTINENCE

I saw that they changed it later, but OMG.

I could not stop laughing about it.

I guess it’s a good thing that these people are detailing your car. I mean, if they’re incontinent and driving your car at all, at least you know they’ll clean up after themselves.

The comments are much more entertaining than the actual content of my blog.

I strongly feel that this is true, especially because jozjozjoz.com is the ultimate boring blog lately.

I submit for your consideration the following comment received today to an article written almost a year ago.

Original post from 10/18/2006: Proof that dogs are better than cats.

The comment:

Weiyin Says:
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:47 am

EAT CATS! EAT THEM! EAT CATS! EAT THEM ALL!DOGS ARE BETTER AND CATS SUCK!IF YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOUR CAT ,CAT LOVERS,PLEASE REPLY ME! DOGS ARE BETTER THAN CATS!CATS ARE EVIL!

For the record, I do not condone the eating of cats.

But you have to admit, a crazy comment like that on a post from a year ago is totally random and funny.

Especially since we all know that with a name like “Weiyin,” he/she really should really want to eat dogs.

:P

PS – If anyone out there is taking any of this seriously at all, please get a sense of humor.

A Hollywood Moment

Guy clips his toenails in front of Rite-AId

Observe the man in the middle of the picture.

He is clipping his toenails. In public, in front of Rite-Aid at Gower Gulch.

When I walked by him after lunch yesterday, I heard the distinctive *click-click-click* noise of someone cutting their nails. I turned to see him unabashedly clipping his toenails.

I got all the way across the street before I asked my lunchmate: Did you see that guy clipping his toenails?

My friend looked at me like I was crazy, so then turned around and pointed. The guy was still clipping. So I took a picture.

Am I the only one who thinks this is sick and wrong?

Photo taken by jozjozjoz

What makes a headache better?

Ice cream at the one & only Scoops.

Today I got Guava & Lychee Sorbet: two of my favorite fruits in one ice cream. It was so good I wanted more.

I also got Strawberry & Balsamic Vinegar which was more strawberry, less balsamic vinegar.

I called in sick to work because I didn’t sleep well last night and was feeling bleh all morning. The ice cream was a real pick-me-up.

I got there when Tai was putting a few flavors out for the evening. I tried the Pineapple & Jackfruit Sorbet and thought seriously about getting another scoop.

Of course, if I continue eating Scoops at this rate, I will weigh 700 pounds and you will see me next on one of those medical reality shows being interviewed for consideration for gastric bypass surgery.

Gastric Bypass Reality Show Pyschologist: “Joz, do you know why you are the weight you are today?”

Joz: “Because I loooooooooooooove Scoops. Yummmmm.”

Let’s all hope it doesn’t get to that point, shall we?

Post made to blogging.la today

I am embarrassed that I spent well over an hour researching writing it, formatting, it and posting it. I can be such a nerd.

It’s #16 of the Top L.A. Legends series: Jamie Lee Curtis is a hermaphrodite (aka Jamie Lee Curtis has a teeny weenie)

In other news, my browser history for the last two days looks like I am a Jamie Lee Curtis stalker who has a deep curiosity for herms, merms, and ferms.

I swear it ain’t so.

Gah! Still up! Need sleep!

Dammit.

I was so tired all day. And now that it’s almost 4am, I am wiiiiiiiiiiiiiide awake. For frick’s sake. I have a crapload of stuff to take care of tomorrow. Er, today. Whatever Monday is.

Well, seeing as I’m not doing anything right now, here is a brief rundown of stuff that happened last week… if I can even remember that far back.

Thursday, 11/30/06:

  • Good news: Had a holiday/client lunch event for work. Got a ton of cool stuff.
  • Good news:Went to my Finance class. Found out that the Final exam is now “optional.” Seeing as I got A’s on my first two exams, did all the homework, and hopefully turned in a good group project/paper, I doubt I’m taking the final exam… whoo hoo!
  • BAD news: On the way back to the office from lunch, noticed a very, very bad thing. I SWEAR IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! I have no idea what happened to the sapphire that flanked the diamond, but I thank the universe that I didn’t lose the diamond. On the other hand, I have a very bad track record with these damn sapphires. This is the THIRD time the sapphire has fallen out. (See below. This picture shows the setting intact, but the sapphire gone! I swear I wasn’t doing anything to cause it to fall out. I was not playing basketball. I did not punch anyone in the head. In fact, I have barely been wearing it since last year when we had to get the setting made again because of the “mangling” incident.)
    The sapphire fell out of my ring again!  I swear it wasn't my fault!

    ::the second time. 6/26/2005 (but I never got around to posting the picture or blogging about it. So this was definitely somewhat my fault. I don’t know how this happened except that I know that I was applauding during a concert and then as soon as the concert was over, I noticed my ring was TOTALLY MESSED UP! Luckily, I was able to go back to my seat and FIND THE SAPPHIRE. They did have to totally redo the entire setting for my ring, though. Seriously, it wasn’t like I was clapping THAT hard!)::

    Mangled Ring - 06-26-2005
  • ::the first time i lost a sapphire. 5/30/2003 (thx to Mike Doss for keeping my archives alive, since they didn’t import into WordPress. Sorry no pix. Since it was the first time, and because it happened within 6 months of us getting the ring, the jeweler replaced it for free. Somehow I doubt that they’ll do it again, though.)::

    Friday, 12/1/06:

  • After work, I went to visit my Grandma & take care of some business for my parents. I ended up being there almost all afternoon and evening.
  • Is it really December?
  • I got bacteria from Efi for my birthday. This was a late shipment after previously receiving a book about yogurt and an Atari video game. Thanks, Efi! I know you must love me lots to send me bacteria for my birthday!!!
  • Talked to Bro on the phone a bit.
  • Saturday, 12/2/06:

  • Where the heck did the day go? Got up “early” but got distracted with junk online and almost didn’t get to pick up my snail mail in time.
  • Ran Rooben around the house.
  • Drove the Yoshi downtown in the afternoon for a brief appointment.
  • Came back, got ready for our friend Lauren’s robot birthday party.
  • Sunday, 12/2/06:

  • Cleared a whole bunch of crap off the TiVo.
  • Went to my former classmate’s place for a Holiday Open House. Had a lovely time. They had a great mix of guests and had it catered and everything. I had an extended conversation with a Finance professor (not mine) about the errors he found in a text book. (Weird.)
  • Talked to the Bro on the phone again.
  • Took a 20 minute nap on the couch in front of the TV. (Thanks, Nature!)
  • Things I did not do:

  • Clean my desk
  • Organize any of my crap around here
  • Clean the house
  • A lot of other stuff I was supposed to do instead of lying around and being a bum.
  • I am now officially a card-carrying member…

    … of the North American Fishing Club.

    (Does it count if I only carried the card to the trash, though?)

    This should go well with my membership to BASSMASTER.

    Clearly someone has mistaken me for someone who is not completely allergic to nature. To the person who put “Mr Joz” on these mailing lists… you should know that I only EAT fish. I do not fish fish.

    P.S. – Efi, for the last time… it’s BASSMASTER *not* ASSMASTER (ala Margaret Cho), you perv!

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

    I just got called “Ma’am!”

    *tries to keep head from exploding*

    As if there was any doubt!


    From Walt Disney World comes this jozzeriffic message…

    Daily Affirmations

    i’m here today to let the world know that i witnessed jozjozjoz at the gym tonight, wearing some sort of sign on her head (or maybe it was taped to the back of her shirt) that said, “hi, freaks, please come talk to me, i love it!”

    she had her headphones on and was obviously watching ER, and this guy got on the elliptical machine next to her.

    freak guy: (shouting over the machines) what’s on tv?
    jozjozjoz: ER
    fg: oh, is that a tv show?
    joz: uh huh (quit talking to me, you freak)
    fg: so do you think the stock market is going to bounce back?
    joz: dunno. i’m not in the stock market (if i mumble, will he stop talking to me?)
    fg: (incredulously) you’re not in the stock market? How are you going to get rich if you’re not in the stock market?
    joz: (looks at the hunny pleading for intervention or at least confirmation that she’s not making this stuff up)

    3 minutes later…

    fg: (somewhat laboriously, having been on the machine for 3 minutes) so, how do you think president bush is handling things?
    joz: (continues to stare at tv, pretending not to hear fg)
    fg: humph. (goes back to huffing and puffing on machine)

    i didn’t believe it when she told me, but she’s an actual freak magnet.
    Continue reading ‘Daily Affirmations’

    The magnet is on again

    Damn.

    Where is the switch for that weirdo magnet? And how the hell do I turn it off?

    After that whole Redcoat fiasco yesterday, I wandered around Union Station, did a bit of souvenir shopping (what a tourist I am), and then showed up at my old workplace, the California Governor’s DC Office. Of the people I knew when I worked there, only one remained. I was very glad to see him and to visit with him. We quickly caught up on old times and pledged to stay in touch (we’d better this time!).

    hallofstates.gif

    From the Hall of the States, I walked down to the new (to me) National Japanese American Memorial, which was a big hole in the ground the last time I saw it. It was very moving for me and while I was trying to take it all in, a weirdo walked up to me.
    Continue reading ‘The magnet is on again’




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