Where are you? Look it is 1:00 and our baby boy, Mo Chin, is crying again, and once again i will tell you that i can not do the single dad thing while you are gallivanting around the city with your beer buddies, ogling some poor past her prime dancer at jumbos clown room. I mean we are out of formula, and rubber nipples for his bottle, and you have the freaking car so i can't even load the kid up and go to the 24 hour Walgreen’s and take care of the business you were supposed to take care of. Baby, seriously... Hey! Look at me when i am talking with you!... was it something i said? is there someone else? What’s going on here? things were going so well. Ok i have to come clean about something, and maybe you figured this out and maybe that’s why you haven't been coming home much lately... ok here goes, I’m gay. Ok i know this may come as a shocker, but it's true. And to make matters worse, i am also a vegetarian. see, i have been feeding you gay soy turkey and tofu beef. At first i just added a bit, but you didn't seem to notice the difference. so i just kept doing it. you know. i am sorry if you feel lied to, or betrayed. but i honestly think if you calm down and stop throwing things we can talk rationally about this. Baby please, i just got the baby to sleep and if you throw this lamp you will wake him up, and we didn't fly to china go to that orphanage and refuse all of those abandoned squinting baby girls for our perfect little baby boy (an abandoned halfie left behind by some American GI) just so you could keep him up all night with your anger issues. I read this article in the advocate about domestic violence, and they say there are some places you can go for that to get some help... Ok, well now you need to go get me some ice so this bruise wont swell up too much.. look we can work this out... So what else have you been up to?
(this letter has been a reused excerpt from an e-mail sent to someone completely different, slightly modified and posted to elicit some commentary from you and other web friends and enemies to entertain me while I sit around having been fired from my first temp job ever… long story!)
p.s. these eggs have been voted the best eggs by thousands of voters nation wide. However the proposition protecting them did not pass.
and I thought _I_ was having too much chocolate and caffeine in the morning...
Posted by: stkyrice at December 20, 2004 03:41 PMThis reminds me so much of the holidays at home. *sighs contentedly*
Posted by: Deltus at December 20, 2004 03:55 PMDear ProfessorEric,
I am shocked and hurt by your accusations that I am running around town while you are the sole care-taker of our love child!
The good folks you dare accuse of being my "beer buddies" are actually highly experienced "yeast tasters" and the dancer from jumbo's is the best of them all. We were not there ogling her. She was kind enough to do a consultation session at her Monday afternoon "yeast tasting dancing session." She is far from being past her prime: she is as prime as the number 1. Or rather number 2. She is totally like number 2 because she IS the shit.
I was wondering when you were going to come clean about the gay soy turkey. I am so glad you can finally tell me the truth. I knew you were gay from the beginning, but I was honestly shocked to find out about the vegetarian part. I am sorry about the lamp I broke. I didn't mean to throw it that hard. But the good news is that Mo Chin will have someone to teach him how to throw, because let's face it... you throw like a girl.
Please post-it-flag the page of the Advocate article for me. I want to work it out, too.
Love,
jozjozjoz
P.S.- Check in the pantry for the formula and rubber nipples. There is an ample supply. Oops, did I say "pantry?" I meant "panty." You know which panty I mean.
Posted by: :: jozjozjoz :: at December 20, 2004 05:47 PMThe ::jozjozjoz:: thong panty?
My poor little nephew. I will be suing the two of you for custody of Mo Chin. It's obvious you are not suited to be parents. I will not have my nephew raised by a bunch of vegetarians!
Posted by: missbrookline at December 21, 2004 08:43 AM...
how did you know that the soy turkey was gay?
was it doing other gay soy turkeys?
one shudders at the possibility of anatomically correct gay soy turkeys...
Posted by: stkyrice at December 21, 2004 09:04 AMin defense of soy turkey, gay and otherwise. they all taste the same. there is absolutely no difference in the way it tastes, smells or looks. what the gay soy turkey does in the privacy of the freezer is it's own business.
why do you think that there's no light in the freezer? so the gay soy turkey can do whatever gay soy turkeys do...in complete privacy and apparently, ignorance :)
Posted by: Howard (AiYahh) at December 21, 2004 09:24 AMwell, at least it's not like the block of tofu in the resident evil game that wears a baseball cap and is armed with a kitchen knife...
you'd think that zombies and other undead creatures would shrink in horror at the sight of a block of tofu with a kitchen knife!
Posted by: stkyrice at December 21, 2004 01:39 PMAll of these comments have been enlightening... i am sorry for any duplicity that has taken place. forgive me and my gay soy turkeys. thanks all.
Posted by: professoreric at December 22, 2004 01:20 AM
Ok! i don't know who you are, or who posted this, but this is incredibly offensive... i myself am an adopted "halfie" from china, and my dad is gay and my mom is too. sure they fight. but they say it is because they love each other. sure my mom gets a little too aggressive, but in her defense, my dad is a bit of a pansy (no offense meant to pansies). So please take this post down. it is offensive to my family, and my un-worked-out issues. thank you -ming chen
Posted by: professoreric at December 20, 2004 02:02 PM