jozjozjoz.com :: brain barf... yum!

Your Friday Gratitude™ should be: "Thank goodness Joz doesn't have her digital camera yet"

Since our landlords have been on vacation in Hawaii this week, we had the great fun of dog-sitting the Moca & Terra. You may recall that Terra is the orally-fixated black & white dog that has the habit of picking up bones, slippers, shoes, dog toys, and anything else that will fit in her mouth when she gets excited or nervous (which is pretty much always).

Last night, as I was on the walkway between our house and our landlords' house, I saw something funny-looking lying in my path. Since it was dark, I thought it was poopie & stepped over it. I went back out to push the garbage cans out to the street for trash collection day & made sure not to run it over with the can. When I came back from, I took a closer look & realized it wasn't a poopie after all... I almost wished that it had been poop.

Lying in the middle of the walkway was a butt plug. Yes, an ass-jamming, siliconey, slightly chewed up, dog-slobbery BUTT PLUG!

(All at once now...) EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

For the record, I do not & never-ever have owned/possessed/used a butt plug, so it wasn't mine! Don't even go there!!! The dogs had not been in our house at all but had been running around our landlords' house all day. I don't wish to think about/speculate upon the owner/user of the butt plug, but I am pretty certain that Terra, The Dog That Gets Into Everything And Anything You Don't Put Away™, is the butt plug stealer.

I called Yoshi, who is out of town, to ask what I should do. The answer was: "Take the pooper scooper and dump it in the trash."

I had already thought of that, but there were two problems with that idea:
1) It just sounds wrong on so many levels to have to pooper scoop someone's butt plug. (Blech! I'm feeling ill just thinking about it!)
2) I would have to carry the darn thing all the way down the driveway, in public, to the street, and dump it in our already overflowing trashcan. I would not want to be spotted by neighbors/people walking down the street dumping a butt plug with the dogs' pooper scooper. On so many OTHER levels, there is just too much wrong with that scenario. And what if some homeless dude decided to dig through the trash? Wrong!!! Just wrong!

I could deal with neither of those situations. I DID think about taking a photo of it as proof, but I didn't have a digital camera & really, I don't think I needed to share a photo of the rogue butt plug on my site. (Insert your gratitude here.) So I left it alone & hoped it would go away. Thankfully, when I left for work this morning, it was no longer in the walkway. I don't know if Terra took it back in the house (I kind of hope that didn't happen. I mean, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT THING HAS BEEN?!?!?!) or if the guy who is staying at the house & re-doing their bathroom "took care of it."

And now how am I supposed to talk to my landlords with a straight face, or without having the vision of that darned thing not pop into my head?! AAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKK!

Let this be a lesson to you.

For the love of all that is good in this world, please remember that important rule you learned in kindergarten:

Always put your toys away. Please.

UPDATE: I just remembered seeing this at djmofo's.

And thanks to Michael for his butt plug expertise and for providing me the link to the Baby Jesus Butt Plug. Bl*ass*phemous, I know!