Am I tired? Or am I sad?

Or both?

I know I have been popping in on my blog occasionally with posts like “I’m busy” (always true) or “I’m tired” (also always true).

But I realized today it’s not just that I’m tired. I’m sad. I wonder if whenever I say I’m tired if I sometimes mean that I’m sad but don’t want to say it. I don’t like letting people know when I’m blue and if I blog about it, I’m afraid it makes me a whiner or a complainer. All things considered, I don’t have much to really complain about, so it’s fun to complain about the things that don’t really matter while I keep the things that really bother me to myself. (Don’t try to tell me to “let it out” because I won’t. And if I did, it certainly wouldn’t be on my blog.)

I know it sounds funny for me to say this, but I’m a really private person, especially about my true (deep) feelings. Based on this blog, I’ve been accused of being shallow, but I think anyone who knows me knows that there’s depth to me that you can’t see if you only know the “blog-side” of me. And I hope that from time to time when you visit this site, there are glimmers of someone more than what is presented here.

The point is, don’t judge me on this blog alone. Chances are there are things going on that I’m not sharing publicly.

Maybe this doesn’t need to be said, but I’ve been blogging for a long time and I realize as I look back on some old posts I’d written, I’m not the same person that I was when I started on this blogging journey. Since my Dad’s passing, a lot of things have changed.

My Dad’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks and the closer I get to it, the sadder I get. I’m also worried about my brother, whose birthday is the day after Dad’s. We used to always celebrate their birthdays together.

I’m not sure why I wrote this melancholy post, but I felt like I needed to say it. It’s not just that I’m busy and tired all the time. It’s that I miss my Dad terribly and I’m sad he’s gone.

As the time passes and it gets closer to the “year marker,” I find myself being more and more blue and I wish this wasn’t so.

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