How do you mend a broken heart?

I can’t believe it’s been a month since my Dad passed away.

I can’t believe it’s been more than a month since my Dad’s brain hemorrhage.

I can’t believe the last time I spoke to him and talked on the phone was to tell him that I got a 100% on my Accounting test.

I can’t believe the last time I saw him was waving goodbye at him from my car the night his car broke down.

I can’t believe the last meal we had together as a family was on Father’s Day.


I can’t believe my Dad has passed away.

Since my Dad traveled so much, I keep feeling like he’s just in Taiwan for a few months and that at any moment he’ll send me an email or text message to see how I’m doing or just call up and tell me to go pick him up at the airport. It’s the times when I realize that this isn’t going to happen that it starts to sink in a little. And then I go back into that state of disbelief again.

How can it be that someone as young as he was (he was only 61) as healthy as he was (he NEVER got sick) have a brain hemorrhage and never wake up? Maybe it happens to other people or strangers or people who live far, far away, but it wasn’t supposed to happen to anyone I knew and certainly not to my Dad. Or so I thought.

People keep telling me about the “5 Stages of Grief,” but I kind of felt like I went through all these stages in the days when my Dad was still in the hospital and I found out that my Dad wasn’t going to wake up from his coma.

While we were planning his service and making all the arrangements, I felt like I was in some crazy nightmare. In some ways the service (which at some point I should write about) helped me move to another point, but since it was all a blur I kind of feel like I never woke up from that dream and I’m still wandering around like a half-asleep zombie.

So I don’t know what the hell I’m going through now because I’m either a mess of emotions or I’m the total opposite so I can get through the day.

The only way I can really describe how I’m feeling now is that I feel broken-hearted. Yes, I’m also still in shock and disbelief, and I’m sad (maybe a little depressed), and I’m emotionally exhausted. But what it comes down to is that my heart feels like it got shattered into a zillion pieces and I’m just grateful that the love of my Mom, Brother, Yoshi & other friends and family have been here to help me pick up the pieces and try to put it together again. Except I know that even with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, my heart will never be the same as it was before.

So anyway. I don’t know what I should say now. Except that despite everything I said above, I’m ok. Really, I am.

My brain feels scrambled and I just don’t understand how it’s possible for time to move so slowly and so quickly at the same time.

But I’ve been back at work and I’ve been back at school (yes, school. I know I never blogged about it, but I started an MBA program at the beginning of this year.) and I’ve been helping my Mom and Bro handle the things for my Dad that we’ve needed to handle and I go through most of the motions of living my life and I go through each passing week a day at a time, every hour at a time, every minute at a time… but nothing quite feels the way I think it should feel.

Someone told me that the only thing that heals this kind of heartbreak is time… I know it’s possible, but how come I feel like it will never happen for me?

Dad & Joz

Dad & Joz: circa a long time ago.
I’m not sure when this was taken but I love how happy my Dad looks in this picture.

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16 Responses to “How do you mend a broken heart?”

  • If you ever need anything, Joz. I’m just a call away. Remember, we’re family and you’ll always have us. Please give our best to your Mom and Jeff. I’m glad you’re writing again. I’m sure all your readers missed you.

  • Speaking from my own experience, unfortunately, time is the only way to let your heart heal. I wish I could say that you can just prepare your mind and heart for how you’ll deal with your emotions, but honestly, you can only deal with them as they come. Just remember that you always have your friends, your family and Yoshi who are always there for you no matter what–and that you’re going to be fine, even when you’re sitting there crying your heart out, or getting angry for no particular reason, or even when you’re smiling and remembering all the good times you had with your Dad.

    We all love you, Joz.

  • Bless your heart. I know it’s hard, and time really does help. But, you will always miss your Dad, and that’s OK.

    Your picture is a wonderful tribute; keep it close to you.

    Take care of yourself.

  • I’m not going to tell you that eventually you will feel better. I have no idea. I have yet to go through the loss of my daddy. Or for that matter, anyone who is truly close to me. All I can say is take care of yourself. Be around the people who love you as much as you can. Gather as much love as possible.

    The photo is beautiful. His love for you is apparant in his face. Take care, dear.

  • Joz, I still don’t know what to say, I am so sorry for you and your family.
    The Moores love you.

  • Joz – your line about being a mess of emotions or completely the opposite – oh, how that hits home. I’m keeping you and your family in my thoughts. And what a great picture of you and your dad.

  • Joz what a wonderful photo – now I understand where you get your good looks and beautiful smile : ) Say hello to Yoshi for us!

  • Joz, it’s good to see you back and I love that photo of you and your dad. What you’re still feeling is very normal. It does take time and your emotions will sort themselves out. The important thing is to not close yourself off from your support; friends, family, etc. My dad died nearly 12 years ago; just a few months after I married. He was 54 years old. Dad smoked, drank and basically abused his body and we knew he’d never have a long life. That didn’t make it any easier when he did die, though.

    Just take each day as it comes, and when you have those days where all you want to do is cry, take a moment to do so. You will get through this. My prayers are with you.

  • Hope you feel better soon joz.Really do.

  • i’m right there with you. there are days i can’t believe my step-mom is gone. i still think she’s on some trip and i’ll see her soon.

    just keep writing.

  • Joz, please know that you’re in my thoughts. I know the numbness of it all and while it never quite goes away, it does sort of spread itself out (if that makes any sense).

  • I just want to give you a big hug. I’m so sorry you are going through this, and it’s a confusing time, to be sure. Just know that there really are a lot of people who care about you, and we are here for you, Joz.


  • Hey Joz-

    You go through your own stages of grief at your own pace and in your own order. Suzy and I send our love and prayers!

  • That is a wonderful picture, he does look very happy. We’re thinking of you.

  • I never did get a chance to express my sympathies, though i meant to. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can relate and while no one can ever know what you’re feeling, I’m very, very sorry. *hug*

  • Hi. I stumbled upon your blog when looking for help in mending a broken heart (my girlfriend of 4 months and I broke up the Sunday before Thanksgiving, her decision as she is not sure she wants a long-term commitment anymore). My grandparents raised my sister and I. We lost my grandfather in 1990 to colon cancer. We lost my grandmother in March 2006 of lung cancer. Like most of the blogs say, only time will help. You never forget them. After a while, you can think of them without feeling the pain of loss. Right now, I can only think of my grandfather this way. I still hurt sometimes when I think of my grandmother, but I do think of them often. Right now, dealing with the break up, still trying to get over my divorce early this year (after 14 yrs), and still feeling the loss of my grandmother, what has helped me is keeping busy with activities, family, and friends. You’ve most likely done the same. One day you wake up, think of them with love and do not feel the great loss. My best wishes for you and your family.

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