I can’t believe it’s been a month since my Dad passed away.
I can’t believe it’s been more than a month since my Dad’s brain hemorrhage.
I can’t believe the last time I spoke to him and talked on the phone was to tell him that I got a 100% on my Accounting test.
I can’t believe the last time I saw him was waving goodbye at him from my car the night his car broke down.
I can’t believe the last meal we had together as a family was on Father’s Day.
I can’t believe my Dad has passed away.
Since my Dad traveled so much, I keep feeling like he’s just in Taiwan for a few months and that at any moment he’ll send me an email or text message to see how I’m doing or just call up and tell me to go pick him up at the airport. It’s the times when I realize that this isn’t going to happen that it starts to sink in a little. And then I go back into that state of disbelief again.
How can it be that someone as young as he was (he was only 61) as healthy as he was (he NEVER got sick) have a brain hemorrhage and never wake up? Maybe it happens to other people or strangers or people who live far, far away, but it wasn’t supposed to happen to anyone I knew and certainly not to my Dad. Or so I thought.
People keep telling me about the “5 Stages of Grief,” but I kind of felt like I went through all these stages in the days when my Dad was still in the hospital and I found out that my Dad wasn’t going to wake up from his coma.
While we were planning his service and making all the arrangements, I felt like I was in some crazy nightmare. In some ways the service (which at some point I should write about) helped me move to another point, but since it was all a blur I kind of feel like I never woke up from that dream and I’m still wandering around like a half-asleep zombie.
So I don’t know what the hell I’m going through now because I’m either a mess of emotions or I’m the total opposite so I can get through the day.
The only way I can really describe how I’m feeling now is that I feel broken-hearted. Yes, I’m also still in shock and disbelief, and I’m sad (maybe a little depressed), and I’m emotionally exhausted. But what it comes down to is that my heart feels like it got shattered into a zillion pieces and I’m just grateful that the love of my Mom, Brother, Yoshi & other friends and family have been here to help me pick up the pieces and try to put it together again. Except I know that even with all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, my heart will never be the same as it was before.
So anyway. I don’t know what I should say now. Except that despite everything I said above, I’m ok. Really, I am.
My brain feels scrambled and I just don’t understand how it’s possible for time to move so slowly and so quickly at the same time.
But I’ve been back at work and I’ve been back at school (yes, school. I know I never blogged about it, but I started an MBA program at the beginning of this year.) and I’ve been helping my Mom and Bro handle the things for my Dad that we’ve needed to handle and I go through most of the motions of living my life and I go through each passing week a day at a time, every hour at a time, every minute at a time… but nothing quite feels the way I think it should feel.
Someone told me that the only thing that heals this kind of heartbreak is time… I know it’s possible, but how come I feel like it will never happen for me?
Dad & Joz: circa a long time ago.
I’m not sure when this was taken but I love how happy my Dad looks in this picture.